Fall of 2010 ~ I felt a lump in my left breast while taking a shower. I used multiple reasons as excuses for ignoring that lump. After moving across country; I hadn't found an ob/gyn yet. I was only 37; lumps don't mean anything at 37. I wasn't even old enough for a mammogram. Our insurance was pretty lousy; we decided to wait until the new year and the start of a new deductible. All of these reasons were completely logical at the time, but are completely pitiful when looking back!
February 2011 ~ I was finally ready to get the lump checked out, but SUPRISE!!! I think I might be pregnant! That threw a bit of a wrench in, well, everything! In case you've never been pregnant, ob/gyn offices like to wait until you are a certain time along in your pregnancy before seeing you for your first ob appointment.
March 14, 2011 ~ I finally had my first ob appointment. I got to listen to Charlie's super strong heartbeat and see her little peanut self. I was told that her estimated due date was Nov 1st. I really liked my new doc. I was excited about this new life! Everything was smiles all around. Then, I brought up the lump. My ob was convinced that it was nothing. She scheduled a breast ultrasound, just to be sure. Mammograms aren't generally done on pregnant women. March 17, 2011 ~ St. Patrick's Day has always been one of my favorite holidays. Prior to having children of my own, I went all out in my classroom. Tyler and I made a leprechaun trap the night before. Eric and I trashed Ty's room, turned the milk green, and placed green footprints on his bathroom mirror. I was still in denial that anything could possibly be wrong. Later in the day, I went in for the breast ultrasound. That was the first time I learned to read medical professionals' faces. They didn't seem to think it was nothing and decided to schedule a biopsy. This was the first holiday that was touched, and tainted, by cancer. Almost five years later, I still have a hard time getting excited about St. Patrick's Day and many other holidays.
March 18, 2011 ~ My husband's 40th birthday was celebrated, but my heart wasn't completely in it. We were excited about the baby, but also a bit overwhelmed. It had been 8 years since we'd done this whole thing and we were quite a bit older this time. I was a big ball of stress waiting for the biopsy. I was busy trying to protect everyone from what might be coming and hiding how terrified I was. This was the first of many family birthdays that cancer messed with.
March 22, 2011 ~ I was 8 weeks pregnant and was getting a needle shoved multiple times into my breast to remove tissue to check to see if I had cancer. On medical forms, this date would be followed by the word "biopsy". My ob was still convinced that the lump was nothing. I was told that someone from her office would call me in a few days with the results. I entered my first period of waiting for results. If I'd only known how much I would grow to hate these waiting periods. I'm not sure if I got the call on Wednesday or Thursday, but the person who called did not give me results. She told me that my doc changed her mind and wanted me to come in to the office for results. At the end of the phone call she told me that I should bring someone with me to the appointment. My ability to remain in denial was crumbling.
March 25, 2011 ~ I woke up that Friday morning knowing that I had cancer and knowing that my baby would be ok. I was filled with God's peace about the baby. There is no other explanation. I did not have that same peace about how this would all work out for me, but I knew that our little peanut would be just fine. My Mom went to the appointment with me because Eric didn't think he could get out of work. He ended up getting there, so both of them were in the room with me, my ob, and a surgeon that I had never met. I can't remember the words that were used. I remember that everyone, other than me, was crying. I remember being told that I would most likely have to chose between my life and my baby's life. I remember being told that I should schedule a mastectomy with this general surgeon as soon as possible. I remember fear. I spent most of that weekend thinking about having to choose between my life and my baby's life. On Sunday I found the website to Hope for Two: The Pregnant With Cancer Network. I read stories about women who had not chosen one or the other, they chose both. I read so many stories of babies that had survived their mom's cancer treatment. Many of these babies were not babies any more. In short, I found HOPE. I threw off the fear and decided to look past our small town doctors.
March 28, 2011 ~ I made a call to one of two doctors in Colorado Springs, an hour away, that were recommended by someone. I can't remember who recommended them. I can't remember asking for recommendations.
March 28, 2011 ~ Eric and I sat down to tell Tyler that he was going to be a big brother. He had wanted a sibling for so long. We also told him that his Mommy had cancer. He didn't know what cancer was. We explained that cancer cells were attacking my healthy cells. His first worry was that the cancer cells were going to attack the baby's cells. He is such a compassionate kid.
March 30, 2011 ~ I met Dr. Sharon, a surgical oncologist, for the first time two days after making that call. She sat down with Eric and I. She cried with us, but also offered hope. She also felt that I needed surgery as soon as possible. Much later I found out that her office has quite a waiting period for initial consults. I was seen in two days and had surgery two days after that.
April 1, 2011 ~ April Fool's Day is not a good day for a mastectomy; not that any day really is. I woke up and truly wanted it to all be some horrible practical joke. Instead, we drove an hour an half so that I could have a left, modified radical mastectomy. I was 9 weeks pregnant. The tumor that was removed with my breast was larger than my baby was at the time. Part of the surgery included the removal of all of the lymph nodes that could be found in my left axilla (armpit). I also had a port inserted below my right collar bone. I spent one night in the hospital and came home the next day with a part of me missing. I did not handle the recovery all that well. I hadn't had much time in the 7 days from diagnosis to surgery to really let it sink in that I was pregnant and had breast cancer. Sitting around, unable to do much, I had time to go through some of those stages of grief. I know that I hit a few of them more than once!
April 9, 2011 ~ Ty had a soccer game. Eric coached it. This one doesn't make it onto any of those medical forms, but it is important to know that life continues even with a cancer diagnosis. I was still homeschooling our 7 year old son. He still had Saturday soccer games and twice a week practices. We attempted to give him as normal a life as possible. There is no big pause button you get to push when your life gets turned upside down. Life goes on.
April 11, 2011 ~ I got my drains out. If you've never had surgical drains, you can not understand the immense relief that comes from getting rid of those things!! I also had my first appointment with Dr. Dax that day. Dr. Sharon's office hooked me up with him. Much later I found out that he had an equally long waiting period for initial consults. I was playing the Pregnant With Cancer Card, and didn't even know it. Dax was confident that we could treat this cancer, save my life, and keep my baby safe. He was consulting a doc in Denver about my case, and he wanted me to go up and meet her. My case was also discussed at tumor board meetings. I felt like I was in good hands and started to just go along for the ride. I was the good patient and did what I was told. Dax told me that my cancer, triple negative breast cancer, was the best kind to have while pregnant because hormones don't have an effect on it. I didn't educate myself beyond that, which is so strange for me. I just did what I had to do.
April 15, 2011 ~ I went in for genetic testing. Mom came with me, which was great because she was able to answer family history questions so much better than I could. At some point later on, we learned the results. I am negative for both BRCA1 and BRCA2. Being positive for either would have explained a bit more about why I had cancer at such a young age. Being positive for either would have put my children at a higher risk for developing cancer, especially Charlie.
April 19, 2011 ~ I met Dr. Borges. She is a medical oncologist that specializes in young women's breast cancer. She has treated many pregnant women. My tumor went to a study she was doing. This appointment made me want to move to Denver. Her area of the hospital, the breast center, is right down the hall from the ob/gyn area. The other end of that floor has a midwifery department. If you had to have breast cancer while pregnant, this felt like the place to be. The two and a half hour drive each way seemed a bit too much, but it was quite tempting. On the way home, I had my first appointment at Horizon Prosthetics. Prior to this, I had no idea that the removal of a breast is treated quite similar to the removal of a leg. Mandy, the owner of Horizon, is an amazing person. She made me feel almost comfortable getting fitted for a foam breast prosthetic and bras to hold it.
April 25, 2011 ~ I had an echocardiogram. Chemo can mess with your heart, among many other things. This was a baseline in case of a problem in the future. So far, I have not had any heart issues.
April 25, 2011 ~ My second trimester started. I was 13 weeks pregnant. At this point many chemotherapy drugs are considered safe during pregnancy. The placenta is an amazing organ that protects the baby and these chemo drugs are too large to cross the placenta. The body is an amazing creation, isn't it?!?!
April 28, 2011 ~ This was the first of many long days of hopping from one appointment to another at Memorial Central in Colorado Springs. I started in their high risk maternal/fetal group, then I met the radiation oncologist that Dr. Dax wanted me to use, next I had a several hour long chemo teach appointment, and finally I met with Dax's NP. It was also the first of many days being told that I was in the advanced maternal age bracket just hours away from being told that I was "so young" for breast cancer. All of my various docs communicated regularly about my case and I settled right into doing what I was told to do.
May 8, 2011 ~ This is another date that doesn't make it onto any medical form. This is also one that I haven't talked much about. It was Mother's Day. It was also the day before my first chemo. At church, our pastor talked about mothers and all that they do. At no point did he say that mothers should pump poison into their pregnant bodies, especially not a poison designed to target rapidly dividing cells. Logically, I knew that I was doing all of this for the baby as well as for my son. I was doing it in the hope that they would have a mother for a long, long time. Logic did not win out that day. Guilt did.
May 9, 2011 ~ I had a liver ultrasound, for the same reason as the echocardiogram two weeks prior. Then I went and sat in that chair while they pumped that poison into my veins. All I wanted to do was run away and hide. Instead I sat there, holding my husband's hand, tears pouring down my face, and put all of my faith and trust in God and the medical people that He had put in my path.
May 12, 2011 ~ Ty had a standardized test that I had to get him to. Seriously, life goes on whether we are ready for it or not.
May 27, 2011 ~ I had my second chemo infusion. The first four of my treatments were Adriamycin and Cytoxan, better known as A/C. Adriamycin is better known as the Red Devil. This infusion was a bit easier than the first, but it was still incredibly hard. By this point my hair was falling out and I was actually starting to look pregnant. What a combination!
May 30, 2011 ~ This is another date that won't make the medical forms, but is easily in my top 10 for worst days. It was Memorial Day. Eric had to work. My parents were out of town. Tyler had a high fever and a sore throat. I could not be around Ty because my immune system was at a very low point three days after chemo. Everyone local we knew was gone or had kids that we didn't want to infect. I couldn't comfort my sick baby because I had to protect myself in order to protect the baby inside of me. That day was pure torture to me. Once Tyler was able to get to the doctor, he was diagnosed with strep throat. I should learn to let it go (let it go, let it go) because Tyler doesn't even remember that day. (I wish I could say that the guilt never bothered me anyway!)
June 11, 2011 ~ This was another yucky day! By now, I have come to terms with all that happened. At the time it was right up there, near the top of that list. It was my first Walk for Hope, the major fundraiser for Orchard of Hope, the cancer support agency for our small town and our county. Eric and Ty were on a church trip to the Sand Dunes. I thought I'd be fine by myself at this event. I was incredibly wrong! Walking around visibly pregnant and quite bald was rather uncomfortable, but I was starting to get used to that. Walk for Hope always ends with a balloon ceremony. The balloon ceremony includes the reading of names of people who have died from cancer. The list seemed to go on and on and on. This was the first time I was forced to come to terms with the fact that I had something inside me that killed people. Lots of people. Later that day, I went to a party with people from our church. I was not the most pleasant person to be around and I am sorry for that.
June 14, 2011 ~ We learned that Charlie was a girl! We also got to see her on the first of many 3D ultrasounds. I had to be in the Springs three different days that week for different appointments. It was around this time that I learned how to play the I-live-out-of-town-and-I'm-pregnant-and-I'm-going-through-cancer card. Actually, I was beginning to learn how to advocate for myself. I was learning how to ask for things to be done in a way that worked better for me. Most doc offices are willing to be flexible, all you have to do is ask.June 17, 2011 ~ My third trip to the Springs that week was also my third chemo. During pregnancy, chemo wasn't too hard on me. I was one of the only patients in the infusion room that actually wanted to eat. In fact, the hospital food was just too bland for me. Eric would go out and get some Mexican food and then we would share both the hospital food and the Mexican (the spicier, the better!).
July 2, 2011 ~ Remember that life goes on, right? Well, it was swim season and Ty was competing almost every weekend at a pool anywhere from an hour to three hours away. This Saturday, the meet was just under an hour away. The deck of that pool gets rather slippery, and I fell. Bald, pregnant, and clutsy!! Luckily, all was fine with both of us.
July 11, 2011 ~ This long day started with an ultrasound and appointment at the maternal/fetal group, followed by an appointment at my med onc's office, and ended with my 4th chemo which was my last A/C treatment. Stacking appointments made for very long days, but it was so much better than multiple trips in the same week!
Aug 2, 2011 ~ This was one of the scariest days we've endured through this whole thing. I had my first Taxol infusion. I had an allergic reaction to the Taxol. This treatment was the only time I was assigned to one of the two little private infusion rooms. Those rooms had a bed instead of a chair, so fancy! They also had their own bathrooms! Not long after the Taxol started, I felt like I was going to throw up. I decided to get out of the bed and walk the three steps to the bathroom in order to throw up there. As soon as I stood up, my whole body locked up and the world started spinning. The spinning was like turning cartwheels at 60mph. Eric pushed the little magic button and the nurses took over. They stopped the infusion and were finally able to get my body to bend so that I could sit down. Eventually, everything calmed down. I had to go up to maternal/fetal and get checked out. Charlie was fine, I was fine, so we started the infusion again. This time the Taxol was just put into me very, very, very slowly. Did I mention how slow it was?
Aug 9, 2011 ~ At this point, life was settling into a routine. It wasn't what most people would consider normal, but it became our normal. Taxol was weekly, unlike the A/C. Every Tuesday, we would drive up to the Springs in the morning for a bit of pinballing around between pregnancy appointments and cancer appointments.
Aug 28, 2011 ~ My little guy turned 8. We did our best to give him a special birthday. By this point, my energy was pretty tapped out. Oh, I love that kid so much. Sometimes I get so mad about what cancer has taken from him; how cancer messed up his childhood. He was such an amazing kid during treatment. He was always trying to make things easier for me. He took on so much.
Sept 9, 2011 ~ Things were starting to get serious on the baby front. I was 32 weeks pregnant. I was still doing the all day marathon of appointments on Tuesdays, but now we were adding a second non-stress test on Fridays. Luckily, my docs set it up for me to get this done at our local hospital. This day was the first of those and the hospital staff really did not know what to make of this incredibly pregnant, incredibly bald, woman. It was rather amusing.
Sept 12, 2011 ~ I met Dr. Stageburg for the first time. He would become my radiation oncologist when the time was right. He practices in Pueblo. Radiation treatment for breast cancer is daily, generally for 5 or 6 weeks. I had decided that the road to the Springs, while beautiful, was too windy and mountainous for daily trips in upcoming Colorado winter. Pueblo is about the same distance, but the road there is straight and flat. It was a good decision! Later that evening, I was preparing to walk out the door to a cancer support group meeting. When Tyler asked where I was going, I answered something about cancer survivors. I can't remember the wording, but I will always remember his next question. He stopped me in my tracks with "If there are cancer survivors, are there people who don't survive it?". I did not walk out that door. I stayed and we talked and cried and hugged.
Sept 18, 2011 ~ We had a baby shower. It was so surreal to me for some reason. It was amazing and wonderful, but I didn't feel 100% there.
Sept 20, 2011 ~ This was my last chemo infusion while I was pregnant. My body was showing some signs that I needed a break. I was 34 weeks along. We had originally planned for a C-section at 39 weeks and they weren't sure that I could hold out that long if I had any more treatments. It was quite exciting, I actually got to just be pregnant for a few weeks. I still had to go up to the Springs for maternal/fetal checkups and blood tests for my oncologists, but no more chemo!
October 11, 2011 ~ I was 37 weeks pregnant. While getting ready to head up to the Springs for my weekly maternal/fetal check up, I knew that I wasn't coming home. My body had just had enough. They kept doing different tests. Each one came with the disclaimer that if I passed, I could go home. I passed each one, but just barely so they would decide to do a different test. Eventually I was admitted. It was actually a relief. Eventually, the C-section was moved up from two weeks away to two days away. They did what they could to get both of us ready.
October 13, 2011 ~ Charlie was hardly ever cooperative during the multiple ultrasounds. She had her hands over her face when they wanted to measure her facial features. She had her legs crossed when they wanted to see if she was a boy or girl. There were times I had to jump up and down in the exam room to try to get her to shift position. She was head down for the majority of the pregnancy, but turned to head up around the beginning of October. She wasn't about to let the C-section go as planned! Sometime in the wee hours of the morning, I realized that gas pains shouldn't be happening every 15 minutes or so. The night nurses didn't take this seriously. My water broke, but I was on the toilet so it couldn't be tested. They didn't really believe I was in labor. I kept trying to convince them, but apparently I didn't say the right things. Finally, they found the contractions and started the process to move the surgery a bit earlier. I told them that something felt wrong, that there was something between my legs that didn't belong there. Finally, they checked and saw that her little feet were sticking out! Everyone woke up at that point and things progressed quite quickly. One of my favorite movies is The Princess Bride. There is a scene where Fezzik, played by Andre the Giant, hollers "EVERYBODY MOVE!" and the crowd parts. That is what it felt like as I was being pushed at a run through the hospital corridors lined with sleepy people holding their morning coffees. I was in a panic because I wasn't prepared for a vaginal birth. During the short period where we knew I was pregnant, but didn't know about the cancer, I had looked into a VBAC. Our small town hospital does not allow Vaginal Birth After Cesarean and we had decided that driving out of town for each appointment and the birth was too much. (If only we'd known!!) Once the cancer treatment was in the mix, it was decided for me that I'd have a C-section. This was another time that I didn't learn what I should have learned in order to advocate for myself. Since then I have met several women who went through treatment and had a vaginal birth. My panic had to do with the fact that I had not prepared for this at all. Instead, they just performed an emergency C-section. I was still slightly filled with panic, and even attempted to yell at the anesthesiologist that he couldn't use my left arm because of my lymphedema. He wasn't thrilled with my helpful suggestion. Right about this time, I heard my favorite Certified Nurse Midwife say "Get your ass out of my way!" That is the last thing I heard before I went under. Once I heard her voice and heard how confident she was, I was able to relax and let the medical people do their things. The next day, that same CNM came to visit us. She came in my hospital room, and sat on my bed. I don't know if that explains much, but I was just so comfortable with her. I told her what I'd heard and she was quite embarrassed. She thought I was under when she'd said it. She explained that there was a nurse that was standing where she needed to be, not doing much of anything. She politely asked her to move several times, just to be ignored. She was scrubbed in so couldn't touch her. Instead, she did what had to be done. I explained how reassuring it was to hear her and to know that someone I trusted was there taking charge. Just a few minutes after I was put under, our little Charlie Michelle came into this world. At only 4# 14oz, she was so tiny and so perfect. [I'm going to stop this post here. It is insanely long and I've only gotten to Charlie's birth. I guess there will be a part 2, at least.]
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