October 17, 2011 ~ We went home. Charlie was 4 days old and oh, so tiny! Life for the next few weeks was filled with newborn appointments, post-partum appointments, soccer practices, soccer games, field trips, introducing family and friends to our little miracle, and snow days. I remember how it seemed that the seasons changed from late summer to full blown winter during the week I was in the hospital. Those days were so busy and so filled with joy. It was almost inconceivable that cancer could still invade our lives.
November 10, 2011 ~ I had my first PET scan in preparation for starting radiation. Not only do I have no clue what the results were, I don't even remember being worried or stressed about what the results might be. Now, I get a PET every six months and can tell you when I got the last one, what the results were, when the next one was, and when I received my first NED results. I was in serious denial about how serious my diagnosis was and basically was still just doing what my docs wanted me to do. Looking back, I shake my head about how naïve I was. A small part of me longs to be that naïve again.
November 15, 2011 ~ Charlie had her one month check up in the morning and I went for my radiation simulation in the afternoon. For me at least, the radiation simulation was rather surreal. The main reason for the simulation is to get everything ready for rads to go smoothly. They made an insert for me to lay my head and left arm. It was a bag of little styrofoam balls that gets the air sucked out of while I was on it exactly the way the doc wanted me to be. Your body needs to be in the same position for each treatment. After my treatment was finished, they let air back in the bag and it was ready for the next patient. I also got my first tats that day. They tattooed a few little dots on my chest that the techs used to line up the machine before each zapping. A lot of explaining was done, so that I would be prepared, but I'm not sure that being prepared for something like that is actually possible.
November 24, 2011 ~ Thanksgiving meant so much more to us this year. We had so much to be thankful for and had settled into life with a newborn. The return of cancer treatment in our lives was looming, but we were working hard to ignore it.
November 30, 2011 ~ We took Charlie to the Springs for a hip ultrasound. The results were normal. Earlier in the day, I had a check up with my medical oncologist. We, of course, took the opportunity to show off our little miracle girl to some of the medical people who had helped get us this far.
December 1, 2011 ~ Charlie had a cardiology appointment the day after having a hip ultrasound. Again, the results were normal. Earlier in the day, I had my last check up with my amazing maternal/fetal group.
December 5, 2011 ~ Eric took me to my first radiation appointment. Most of December and January were controlled by rads appointments. I went daily, Monday through Friday, for 34 treatments. The actual zapping was fairly quick, about 15 minutes. Most of the time the waiting wasn't too long either, as long as both machines were working properly. My treatment was an hour away from home, however, which made the whole thing quite a time commitment. I was still breastfeeding Charlie, with the one breast I had left. A routine was quickly established. A friend or family member would drive us to Pueblo. I would nurse Charlie, leave her with our driver, put on a hideous cover up, head to the waiting room, get zapped, get dressed, and then head back home. That was our life for those two months. We never could have gotten through that time without our family and friends stepping up!December 12, 2011 ~ I even had rads on my birthday. They did give me Christmas and New Year's Day off.
January 24, 2012 ~ It was such a relief to finish radiation treatment! The routine we were in was becoming such a hassle. Rads for breast cancer is basically like getting a sunburn on top of a sunburn on top of a sunburn for 34 days. I was beyond ready to be done with the whole thing! Four years later, I still have a tanned area from that treatment.
January 27, 2012 ~ I took Tyler to a practice session for the standardized testing he would have to take the following month. He is in an online school, so is considered a public school student and has to do all of the requirements that kids in brick and mortar public schools have to do. That day, in the bathroom of the public library in Pueblo West, I met one of our family's angels (and now one of my best friends). She probably wouldn't describe herself that way, but I will always do so. Jen was there with her daughter, who is in Ty's grade and was in the same online school. Jen's son is a month younger than Charlie and somehow, in that bathroom, we got to talking about breastfeeding and how I wasn't looking forward to having to stop for my upcoming chemo. I wasn't producing much for Charlie, with only one breast and everything that my body had been through, but it was still very important to me. With how tiny she was, her docs had her on a preemie formula to supplement my breast milk. To condense the story a bit, Jen started supplying breastmilk for Charlie. Jen's milk was amazing and Charlie thrived on it! We were even able to stop the formula supplementation. The original plan was for me to "pump and dump" through the four weeks of chemo and for long enough to get it out of my system. My body just couldn't produce enough with pumping and I ended up on steroids near the end of chemo so I had to give up. Jen ended up supplying Charlie with breastmilk until after her first birthday. Breastmilk donors provide so much more than just milk. Thank you, my friend!
February 13, 2012 ~ Charlie turned four months old. Eric and I drove her up to my cousin's house in the Springs where I nursed Charlie for the last time. Then we left her with my cousin to head to the infusion center to start chemo again. It was hard, but a different kind of hard than the previous first chemo was. I completed the four Taxol treatments that we didn't fit in during my pregnancy. They were weekly, every Monday. I didn't have the allergic reaction again, and we were even able to speed things up a bit since we didn't have to worry about protecting Charlie.
February 29, 2012 ~ Tyler had that standardized test in Pueblo in the morning and I went to the ER in the evening. I'd been having symptoms that worried my medical oncologist. He wanted me to get checked for pneumonia. After quite a while there, pneumonia was ruled out, but the radiologist had a nurse give me a piece of paper that said I might have cancer in my lungs. This is one of those things I've had a hard time letting go of. That is not the proper way to handle the possibility of cancer. Not even close. This was the beginning of the worst nine and a half months of my life.
March 1, 2012 ~ I met with my radiation oncologist. It was an already scheduled post rads check up, but the focus ended up being on that piece of paper from the ER radiologist. Dr. Stageburg was fairly convinced that what was in my lungs was actually radiation pneumonitis. We would have to wait a month for another chest x-ray for confirmation. Radiation pneumonitis is basically like pneumonia caused by radiation treatment. I was put on steroids for at least a month and officially gave up on the pumping and dumping.
March 5, 2012 ~ I finished chemo. Everyone expected me to be thrilled. I had my healthy baby girl. I was done with cancer treatment. I wasn't able to explain how I had this dark cloud hanging over our happiness. It was only a possibility, but it was a terrifying possibility.
April 5, 2012 ~ The month long waiting period was over. I finally got to have the chest x-ray that was supposed to confirm that my lungs weren't growing cancer. The x-ray confirmed that the spot on my lungs was radiation pneumonitis, not cancer. The x-ray also showed an area that worried my oncologist. That cloud that was supposed to go away got darker and scarier. I would have to wait another month, this time for a CT scan. Life goes on, and I went along with it, but I wasn't all in the way I wanted to be. We still had soccer games and field trips and physical therapy and checkups and standardized tests and a science fair. I was still Mom to two amazing kiddos, but that cloud was there.
May 1, 2012 ~ I could basically copy the last paragraph, change a few words, and paste it here. The CT cleared up the worrisome area from the last x-ray, but brought up a new place that might have cancer growing in it. This time we would wait another month for a PET scan and my first mammogram. The soccer games ended, the school year ended, swim season started, Charlie turned 7 months old on Mother's Day, and that cloud was getting harder to ignore.
June 5, 2012 ~ Most women don't have a mammogram until after they are 40. Most women have two breasts at their first mammogram. Most women haven't gone through cancer treatment before their first mammogram. Most women hate getting mammograms. None of those statements apply to me. I actually thought it was fascinating, though a bit uncomfortable. My breast was squished in this vice-like machine that produced films that were put into another machine next to it and my insides showed up on a screen across the room. I could see my port and the line running from it to my heart. I could see so much. More importantly, the radiologist that read my mammogram did not see any cancer. I also had a PET scan that day. Again, the worrisome spot was cleared, but a new area of concern came to light. There was slight activity in my right axilla (medical speak for armpit). This time, it was decided that my body had been through enough monthly scans. The area of concern was probably nothing so we would wait about 6 months for another PET to confirm the nothingness. Everyone was fairly confident that would happen, but I couldn't shake that cloud that was still stalking us.
August 7, 2012 ~ All of my doctors agreed that I was probably in the clear so it was decided that my port could finally be removed. It had been in me for 16 months and had saved me more pokes than I could possibly count. I wanted to be happy with this apparent finish to everything cancer related, truly I did. By this time, the cloud was winning more days than I was. Again, life goes on and I did my best to go along with it. Tyler turned 9 in August. Charlie turned 1 in October. My hair was growing back in. I was overwhelmed by guilt for not enjoying every moment. That's what cancer people are supposed to do after treatment. We know what is really important and what isn't. We aren't supposed to give any attention or importance to the bad things in life. According to what is supposed to happen, I was failing at moving on after cancer treatment.
November 16, 2012 ~ I had my last appointment with my medical oncologist that had been with me through so much. Dr. Dax informed me that he had accepted a position with some national organization and would be leaving his practice. He assured me that my upcoming PET would finally tell me that I was free of cancer.
November 30, 2012 ~ The day of the PET was finally here. I got a call a few days later to schedule a biopsy. That slight activity had grown instead of disappearing.
December 10, 2012 ~ Biopsies suck for so many reasons. The worst is the close quarters, the expressions on their faces, the fact that they know how this will turn out but can't tell you anything because the tissue that was just yanked out of you needs to be tested for actual confirmation, the forced calm and cheerfulness that they use to hide what they know. Biopsies suck.
December 12, 2012 ~ I had been looking forward to my 40th birthday for decades. I love numbers and number patterns and my 40th birthday was on 12-12-12. Instead of enjoying my birthday, Eric and I dropped the kids at my parents' house and drove up to the Springs to have two different doctors tell me that the biopsy had confirmed that my right axilla had breast cancer cells. Happy Birthday to me!
December 20, 2012 ~ I got a fancy new port inserted. Apparently they had come a long way since I got my first port, a whole twenty months prior. Dr. Sharon, my surgical oncologist from before, used the same place as the first time and cleaned up the scar tissue there. It looked so much better after the port insertion than before, and now it is barely noticeable.
December 21, 2012 ~ This was the last date on the Mayan calendar and there were all sorts of people worrying about the world ending. On my calendar, I wrote "It's the end of the world as we know it!" with a smiley face after it. It was the end of the black cloud of unclear scan results and the beginning of hope. I could finally do something other than sit and wait. A plan was forming and I was starting to be a part of the decision making process. My new medical oncologist, the replacement I was stuck with after Dr. Dax left, was not inclined to treat this diagnosis aggressively. She didn't think there was much hope. I insisted that Dr. Borges, up in Denver, be consulted. I insisted that we treat this with the goal being my survival.
December 26, 2012 ~ I had my first, and hopefully my last, breast MRI to get a clearer picture of where the cancer was. The MRI was awful in every way. I almost stopped the scan multiple times. I, honestly, don't know how I made it through. I am not claustrophobic in the normal sense. Small spaces don't bother me, unless there is a loud or repetitive noise. For instance, I hate small bathrooms where the fan and light are controlled by the same switch. I just can't take the fan noise and chose to leave the light off even if it is pitch black. MRI's are all about loud, repetitive noise and cramped spaces. It just went on and on and on. Because it was a breast MRI, I was lying on my stomach with my breast in a cup-like thing. They put a mirror below my face, at an angle, so I could see out into the room (like a periscope). The mirror was small and had been bumped. It made me feel sea sick to look into it. If I closed my eyes, my head felt that it would burst with color explosions from the sound. The sounds were basically torture for me. I've attempted to describe the sounds before, and I just can't get it to sound awful enough. Take every loud, repetitive sound you can think of (fire alarm, sirens, etc.) and put them all together. Every time I thought it was more than I could take, they would add another sound to the mix. It was beyond awful. With no breast tissue left, I assume that I won't have another breast MRI. I can only hope and pray that I won't have to have an MRI for some other body part in the future!
January 4, 2013 ~ It was a New Year and I had a new chemo teach appointment. This time we were going with Carboplatin and Taxotere every three weeks for six cycles. This time I wasn't pregnant, so I could have the Neulasta shot to help my immune system.
January 9, 2013 ~ We had one last fun family adventure with a field trip to Castle Rock's YMCA which has a mini indoor water park. I was truly able to enjoy this day, with no dark cloud hanging over. Cancer was back in our lives for sure, chemo was about to start again, at least one doctor thought that I had no future, but none of that mattered.Apparently, there will be a part 3 (at least) to this timeline.
No comments:
Post a Comment